I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
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I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.