Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.

GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.

ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.

Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie

Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions

Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.

#CarrotDay

Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.

If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.

Are you ok, human???

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.

Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.

Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.

How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

[at grocery store]

Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?

Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s

I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work

I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.

Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over

Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.

They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.

Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.

Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?

My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.

Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.

I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer