I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
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I hate everything
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.