Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.

I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity

Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive

If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.

Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝

Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?

[A few hours later]

Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*

had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep

I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.

america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon

teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun

You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look

Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.

HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*

YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.

ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear

Tell the colonel to bring it

It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.

Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!

– I’ll have two then please.

Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil

AUNT: You look just like your dad.

ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.

“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati

I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?

I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious

If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous

I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”