I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
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WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”