Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year

(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot

How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit

Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.

Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.

Wife: You’re lost.

Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.

[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.

BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record

[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt

will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break

What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection

The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.

Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing

Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*

This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”

my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there

Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.

dinosaur: omg a meteor

t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*

[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]

*you’re

Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.

If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.

Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her

Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.

Typos are dangerous, you guys.

[ spelling bee ]

judge: your word is feeling

me: can you use it in a sentence

judge: how are you feeling

me: ok

judge: wrong

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

The three genders.

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?