Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.

Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

[on phone with quit smoking coach]

coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills

me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1

coach: that’s great! what is it?

me: being awake

My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.

I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”

I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.

Bear attack by generation:

Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot

Gen x – climb tree build fort

Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it

Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.

Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.

Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.

did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?

It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”

Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?

Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear

Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”

Her: Says who?

Me: Sesame

Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

*orders delivery*

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it