I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
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Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.