I only say stupid things when I talk.
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Me: Same.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
ready to be harvested
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
