I only say stupid things when I talk.
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me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.