I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
You Might Also Like
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.