I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
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You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
middle school in the ’90s
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work