I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
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At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
not seeing the problem
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together