Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.

“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”

Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.

DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish

SNAIL WIFE: Oh no

HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT

What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?

I hope to one day be as happy as my dad when he puts his car in reverse and says “ah, this takes me back”

As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.

🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse

🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse

🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck:

If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.

I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.

If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them

“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too

ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.

[after winning scratch off ticket]

*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*

in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”

God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE

Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.

If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.

Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.

[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no

[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.

I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0

“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”

Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.

Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems

If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.