I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
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Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
The median voter
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Thrilling chase underway
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Yes, this is exactly right
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.