Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.

Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.

*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive

My therapist after every session

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band

Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.

“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.

[Fancy Restaurant]

Host: May I take the lady’s coat?

Me: Please.

Host: And yours sir?

Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.

robber: be cool this is a robbery

me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]

“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”

[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is

[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.

Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.

Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words

Me: Thanks for helping me move.

The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-

Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-

[The Rock gets crushed]

-paper…

My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.

When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment

I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .

Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.

Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.

me: i’ll have the steak

waiter: this is a vegan restaurant

me: ok i’ll have the vegan

Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.

But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”