Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs

I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.

People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.

I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.

Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?

Wolfman: Silver bullets

Frankenstein: Fire

Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.

I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE

If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.

I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…

I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.

Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…

whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.

wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training

I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets

INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?

ME: ope i thought it said preference

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade

If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…

5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner

Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!

#curvyissexy

“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon

yeah not falling for this one

I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.

Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it

We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.

My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”

If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.