I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
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Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
So glad we cleared that up
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.