Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.

A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match

You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.

Hacker: I have all your passwords

Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.

Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.

why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE

*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*

Ok, weigh me now.

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

I don’t care how you season it, ham radios definitely taste more like radio than they do ham

[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma

been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.

I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers

[serving dinner]

ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?

WIFE: Flambé?

ME: I’ve flambéd your soup

Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.

[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]

omg this is gonna hurt

In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.

My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.

That ends five minutes ago.

Me: *drowning*

My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!

[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass

I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.

The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky

After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.

*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*

I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

[ english class ]

me: this is useless, i’m outta here

*20 years later*

judge: please rise for your sentence

me: my what