I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
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Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
#Caturday
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
yall want some gasoline milk
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too