Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.

they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.

Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.

So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂

Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.

Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”

Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”

Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.

More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.

Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.

Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?

Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.

My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”

Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!

Hostage 1: No!

Hostage 2: Please! No!

Me: So…who gets to be the front?

Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!

If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.

What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”

imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home

I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.

I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews

Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.

My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.

That was easy.

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.

[Couples Therapy]

HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead

HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26

ME: OMG SEE!

So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?

What

“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”

“So you don’t end up like me”

“What, awesome?”

“Alright fine, no school today”

I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.

[Traffic Stop]

Cop: Sir, please step out of the car

Me: But you said…

Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.