I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
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mission: save the cat
obstacles: the cat
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich