i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
You Might Also Like
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Don’t touch that.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Received some very disappointing news today
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.