I only sing in the car when it’s in reverse. I’m a backup singer
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After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.