I only sing in the car when it’s in reverse. I’m a backup singer
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me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
me when somebody idk start touching me
So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*