I only sing in the car when it’s in reverse. I’m a backup singer
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Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.