I only sing in the car when it’s in reverse. I’m a backup singer
You Might Also Like
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.