I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
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As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.