Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7: Momma, I need $10

Me: Why?

7: I can’t tell you.

Me: Then I can’t give it to you.

7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.

Me: A deal!?

7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.

if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco

Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about

Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?

When customers come in 6 hours before closing

I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin

Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.

Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.

Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it

I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.

[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet

me: can I get a hug?

bartender: *checking cocktail list*

Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us

Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no

The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet

Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.

She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???

Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂