I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
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Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣