I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
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Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉