I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
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*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
HR said no more nunchucks.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Strange
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon