Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.

“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.

The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”

respect

Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.

(3:12am)

My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face

Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.

a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!

I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.

I’d … I’d rather not.

“Check engine”

Yep, it’s still there.

Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks

Him: you just offended all of Canada

*Sees couple arguing in store*

*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*

Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.

God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game

*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*

My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!

My gf 2nd month: listen

Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea

Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.

[commercial for evaporated milk]

IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?

what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco

I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?

Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on

[pumpkin patch]

Cinderella: how many miles on this one?

Farmer: please stop kicking them

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.