Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles

My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy

if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts

I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up

Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”

the battle rages on

Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.

Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.

Dog: No, I’m mad at you.

Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.

When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”

My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit

Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.

Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?

Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.

The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.

Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.

You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast

NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike

[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]

PATIENT: *Opens one eye*

You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.

I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.

had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

[pointing to a gravestone]

I’ll have what HE’S having!

When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime

IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera

Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones

When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.

The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.