Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags

My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…

Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*

Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.

To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.

He was looking for a job and then he found a job

Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter

At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.

[holding an acorn]

“do you still love me?”

Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”

“Shaddup you!”

SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.

The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.

Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.

Friend: I haven’t used it yet.

If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.

Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”