I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
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*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.