Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

bro what is going on at twitter

I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

Satan: “Waaazzz up?”

God: “Speak of the Devil.”

Satan: “Really?”

God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”

Satan: “Jesus Christ.”

Jesus: “What?”

Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMAO

[Record Shop]

Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?

Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.

there will never be a funnier headline than this one

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

therapy: $90/hr

saying “it eez what it eez”: $0

Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.

Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.

This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.

Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.

To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”

[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.

*in public restroom*

Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.

Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*

8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.