Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.

I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance

Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.

A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.

*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…

If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.

ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*

DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?

ME:

DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now

Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people

Him: what are you doing

Me: gas is so cheap right now

Him: ok but–

Me: *continues filling bathtub*

Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.

omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face

Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes

Mom: let’s not talk like that

Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes

do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.

Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN

BOSS: why are you late?

ME:

AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.

I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.

He says it’s ok.

Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women

If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.

Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.

Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.

My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.