Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

[Ferrari dealership]

ME: How much for this red one?

SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny

ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*

SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!

Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.

Tempted to eat my own leg.

Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.

Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“We really must stop meeting like this!”

If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse

Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here

i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”

colleague: do u like the clown from IT?

me: nah he never fixes my computer

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.

Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!

“She is not fine.”

~Sun Tzu

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%

Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.

A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.

Grabs intercom:

ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS

A quick visual guide to footballing pain.

when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

Feeling sad? Donuts.

Feeling blah? Donuts.

Feeling upset? Donuts.

Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.

Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.

I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.

One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile

I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.

Amazon Review Guide

⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating

Jail

I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!