Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter

overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕

Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*

depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time

The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*

GOD: I call them Water Buffalo

ANGEL: But they live on land

GOD: Yep

ANGEL:

GOD:

ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u

GOD: Not a bit

Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.

When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?

We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!

Pedant: Actually…

[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘mnemonic’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity

God has left this place

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

[Headless Horseman birthday party]

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.

Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer

Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

*pronounces woah like Noah*

People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin

we did it you guys we saved daylight

Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements

Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order

Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them

me: omg you’re dying

my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room

me: [crying] I wish I could help

My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.

Basically, any European coat of arms:

Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.