I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
You Might Also Like
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.
*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks