I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
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A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
🐕🍷
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]