I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
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me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
I put the h in mysterious.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
My beach vacation Google searches
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though