Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby

the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.

ME: [bird watching]

PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”

I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??

The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..

Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it

I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar

me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally

The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.

I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.

Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?

*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.

ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers

Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.

my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote

me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe

ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments

GENIE: um ok

ME: I wish everyone was gullible

GENIE: Done

ME: And I wish for updog

GENIE: What’s updog?

ME: *looks at camera*

Introverted vegans go meetless

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.

I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.

Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-

Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ

My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says

Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”

Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”

Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”

TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated

[rolls down car window]

“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”

Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!

my name if I was in the mob

Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”

its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv