I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.![]()
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Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
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Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
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Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot