I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
You Might Also Like
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Lucky for them, they’re cute
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Here’s a meme
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.