I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.![]()
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Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do