I only treason on days ending in y
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If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
quarantine day 3
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”
siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”
siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”
siri google “syria where that is”
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?
me: yeah, I’ve seen it
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?