I only treason on days ending in y
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A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Is your wife single?
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Not my job 😂
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”