I only treason on days ending in y
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Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
welp
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant