I only treason on days ending in y
You Might Also Like
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
💀
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it