I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
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Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
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There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.