Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos

“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.

ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!

ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!

ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter

[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger

Me: *googles my symptoms*

WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days

[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”

Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.

I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.

“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER

I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped

anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after

Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .

ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them

me: oh, I don’t.

boss:

me: anything else?

oh u like me? name 5 meds i take

[person having normal conversation with me]

Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response

I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality

Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.

Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

[Space]

No-one: I can hear screaming

PER MY LAST EMAIL

VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.

ME: I can’t run either.

A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.

By age 35 you should:

-live in a cave on a mountain

-hate everyone

-try to destroy christmas at least once

-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.