I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
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Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
What do cheeky people drink out of?
A smug.
Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Ikea products should be cheaper, i’m doing all the work here… it’s like ordering takeout food and still having to cook it when it arrives