I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going