I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
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astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Was it something I said?
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I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
this is uni
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Roses are red, you always mattered,
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*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Sex so good you see dead people.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Straight people are cancelled
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*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
never compromise your values
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Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Pass gas, not judgment.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap