I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
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If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.
Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.
4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant