I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
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It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise