I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
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I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado