I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
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“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
won’t smith
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”