I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.

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Me: *taps him on shoulder* But what if I don’t like bread? Or fish?
Jesus: *pinches bridge of nose*


‘Kyrgyzstan’ is what happens when you’ve already named all the other countries and you have left over letters.


If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.


They call me the Titanic because I once went down on a bunch of Irish peasants


You know those disgusting people who lick their fingers instead of using a napkin in public? Hi.


[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already


No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.