@UnFitz

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.

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@brynnester

Me: *taps him on shoulder* But what if I don’t like bread? Or fish?
Jesus: *pinches bridge of nose*

@Scott_A_Gilmore

‘Kyrgyzstan’ is what happens when you’ve already named all the other countries and you have left over letters.

@Shanehasabeard

If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.

@meganamram

They call me the Titanic because I once went down on a bunch of Irish peasants

@mishakey

You know those disgusting people who lick their fingers instead of using a napkin in public? Hi.

@david8hughes

[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already

@LittleMissZesty

No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.