Me: *taps him on shoulder* But what if I don’t like bread? Or fish?
Jesus: *pinches bridge of nose*
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
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‘Kyrgyzstan’ is what happens when you’ve already named all the other countries and you have left over letters.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
They call me the Titanic because I once went down on a bunch of Irish peasants
You know those disgusting people who lick their fingers instead of using a napkin in public? Hi.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.