I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.

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1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*


Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?

God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.

Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.


*hires court room sketch artist for your intervention




[inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone


Wife: every time we argue, you think you’re right. Me: yes, because if I thought you were right, I wouldn’t be arguing…


911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now


If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.


Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no


Best part of singing while you drive is that you have to keep your eyes open, even when you hit the high notes, which creates one of the most terrifying faces a human can make.