I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
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[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
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