LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
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movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”