ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
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mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen