I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
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As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
The point of your 20s
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
My loaf of bread looks terrified
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.