I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
You Might Also Like
If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already