I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
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aesthetic
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
wtf is an acronym
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
I just saw three bowls of dessert.
I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
i hate you platonically
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me