I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
You Might Also Like
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.