I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
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The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
No one approached me–a reliable stranger–to take a picture of their family yesterday. Could’ve been the eye patch
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Not all heroes wear capes…
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*