I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
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Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle