Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.

According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame

doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button

i guess his teacher was really pissed

Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!

Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”

[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*

you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid

Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.

I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights

Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?

Client: sadly no. Just you.

Me:

Client: I didn’t mean it like that!

He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.

*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT

😂😭

To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

The struggle is real

The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.

Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.

Mistakes were made

If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.

I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?

Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.

If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.

The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile

Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:

“He’s showing signs of improving”

“He’s a beast”

“He just has to keep those interceptions low”

“It’s been a wild season”

“Yeah they’re so stacked”

“Yeah that offensive line”

Lol I don’t know shit about football.

THERAPIST: What do you wish for?

WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things

ME: For the dog to talk