I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
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Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
I need to know what happened here in 1620.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Put a ring on it
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.
I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”