Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.

Me: my husband’s snoring

Therapist: let me rephrase

Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?

The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.

[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.

heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.

Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old

The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…

Without the receipt, apparently.

Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.

Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*

they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too

Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.

*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*

Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]

*3 minute unskippable ad plays*

Just in case to be clear #gbbo

He also looks really rough for a 4 year old

dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom

If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.

Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.

I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber

The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.

I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.

I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”

if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch

I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.

my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

Start the year as you intend to continue.