I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
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[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
These are dark times.
~me, everyday at 4pm
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.