I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
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Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”