I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.
You Might Also Like
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”