I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.
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[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Holy crap this is wonderful
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?