Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned

MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!

PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…

“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex

I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*

I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.

hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names

him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that

I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade

I’m the neighbor

remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister

Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.

One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day

Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”

The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

me: you know what’s not cool?

13: *yelling from another room* YOU!

Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.

They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.

*Buys something from Amazon

*Tracks package from Amazon

*Gets delivery from Amazon

Me)I wonder what this is

Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.

Her: Oh no.

Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.

Her: You already do that.

me: you said you were going to clean your room

5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise

me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”

5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it

“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama

If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.

People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.

Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?

washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating