Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.

Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –

Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*

me: i’ll have a steak

waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant

me: oh

waiter:

me: ok i’ll have a vegan

I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.

sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa

Always a metermaid never a meter

Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.

I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”

I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?

INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course

David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.

My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned

Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?

Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.

Her: I forgot. I already ate.

You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years

can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude

Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.

Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….

Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic

With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.

The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.

[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now

[fast food management]

“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”

“What about ketchup?”

“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”

The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma

Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?

Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly

Thank Satan it’s Monday.

Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.