I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.
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I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
When your man makes a valid point
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”